Affirmative Action: A politically correct term for reverse discrimination. If the state says that some discrimination is good then, clearly, more must be better … so …

Anti-Semitic: An individual who doesn’t fawn over those of Jewish descent.

Battered Spouse Syndrome: Originally called “Battered Wife Syndrome” but was recast as a unisex term to disguise the intended gender bias.

Battered Wife Syndrome: It is an end run around justice for women guilty of revenge killings, mutilations etc. Note that ‘battered’ need only be alleged. See also ‘Positive Spin’.

Blind Justice: Said to mean that race, color, creed, sex, sexual orientation, etc. will not enter into the legal judgment process. Actually means that truth and fairness won’t.

Coalition of the Willing: Quantril’s Raiders, the Jesse James Gang, the Axis Powers, etc.

Collateral Damage: When we attacked, some innocent civilians got killed. What the hell were they doing in their own country anyway?

Communism: A political system that seeks to make all citizens equal … at the bottom of the economic ladder.

Credit: A way of getting the money you won’t have tomorrow (because of high interest costs) to pay for the “must have” wants of today.

Dangerous Offender: An individual given a sentence of an indefinite duration. Lest anyone think that the law is being totally capricious, it should be noted that there are strict requirements before this label is applied: the individual must be male and must have done something or other.

Defense Department: Military organization that oversees the creation and maintenance of offensive capabilities.

Democracy: Fascist rule by the largest misinformed minority.

Due Process: Long, involved and very costly legal proceedings the courts must undertake in a case against you. i.e. innocent or guilty, you lose.

Easy Credit: Credit that is easy to obtain. Retirement for you and the debt will be another story.

English Common Law: Laws applied to the common folk; the rich are accorded better treatment.

Entertainment: Consists of a wide variety of media presentations: movies, music, television shows, sporting events, etc. A pacifier for adults.

Executive Action: Probably a criminal activity.

Executive Compensation: The amount of money it would take to feed most impoverished nations.

Executive Decision: Consensus opinion expressed by the person with the highest position in an organization.

Free Enterprise: A system whereby commercial enterprises attempt, by means fair and foul, to corner the money supply.

Free Press: Media that is unhampered by obligations to objectivity and responsible journalism. Trades on the myth that ‘free’ implies unbiased.

Free Trade: An import/export arrangement between two or more countries. Defines the starting point for cheating by all parties to the agreement.

Free Vote: A multi-billion dollar poll used to determine if the populace has been subjected to sufficient propaganda.

Freedom Fighter: A terrorist who sees things our way.

Hollywood: A center for the production of films and documentaries. Also known as ‘The Dream Factory’. Happily, its fictional portrayals clearly show that our way of life is superior.

Income Tax: You work and the government shares the reward with you.

Intelligentsia: Clearly not the press, the media, sports stars, the judiciary, politicians or the military. Must be the rest of us.

Judicial Latitude: The mechanism that allows courts to come up with radically different verdicts in two or more cases with identical facts and circumstances. Flipping a coin would yield fairer, more consistent results.

Legal Precedent: The first judge got it wrong and it has been done that way ever since.

No Taxation without Representation: Expression made popular during the American War of Independence. The public has since been given a token number of representatives who don’t listen in exchange for an exorbitant amount of taxes.

Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity: The accused is guilty but is set free because the individual appeared before an insane judge and/or jury.

Not-for-profit Organization: The people running the operation are being honest: they are in it only to fill their own pockets without attempting to delude stakeholders into believing otherwise.

Peace Keeping Force: Keeping two sides in line by the implied use of a force greater than the one that either side had to contend with previously.

Physician: A mechanic that works on humans. They know so much about maintaining health that they are immortal. Okay, so the bad ones only live twice as long as the rest of us do.

Policing Action: Military action to combat a nation or rogue state. Could also be described as “naked aggression” but that’s harder to sell.

Politically Correct: First word appropriate, second one an outright lie. An oxymoron of gargantuan proportions.

Positive Spin: Putting a positive face on a negative action or event that is wrong (by our own definition) so that we can continue to get away with it.

Presumption of Innocence: Often encapsulated in the expression: “Innocent until proven guilty”. It’s just coincidence that the mere accusation permanently destroys the reputation of those subsequently found innocent.

Professional Athlete: Individual, one generation removed from walking on his/her knuckles, who makes a fortune at a sport without which the universe could not exist.

Propaganda: False, misleading or incomplete information disseminated by our enemies. Our system would never allow that. See also ‘Free Press’.

Reality Show: A television show produced by people who clearly do not originate in this galaxy.

Socialism: A less forceful, less efficient form of communism.

Statutory law: We didn’t like the way that the common law was unfolding so we “plugged it”.

Weapons of Mass Destruction: Chemical, nuclear and biological weapons in the possession of our enemies. Ours are defensive in nature.

United Nations: Countries that are united in their inability to come up with useful solutions to the world’s problems.

Utopia: A perfect world … we aren’t there yet. Hang a left at Saturn and keep straight for three trillion light years.